Quarantining: Get a Mental Divorce

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Quarantining: Get a Mental Divorce  

I know; “get a mental divorce” sounds like horrible advice. “Experts” will tell you to stay engaged—feel each other feelings. They say, use this time to really talk and get to know one another. Hold hands and appreciate each other.

I don’t disagree with this at all; however, after day 5 in the house, I think people want to kill each other or maybe just have their own space.

You have to protect your mental health and set boundaries with your spouse during this time.

Maybe This Advice Isn’t for You…

Look, this advice isn’t for everyone. I realize that there are different levels of annoying, and maybe you aren’t that annoying, but maybe your spouse is, or maybe one of you practices patience better.

I know how husbands are…

I get it, girlfriend; I mean, the hamper is in the closet, and yet he takes his socks off right in front of the door and just leaves them there. Why not pick them up and put them in the hamper, you ask? The hamper is right there! What you fail to understand is that I, like many other men, have a very scientific way of taking off my socks. It involves me not using my hands but completely using my feet because I am too lazy to bend over to take them off. Once I have successfully danced the tango with my feet to get my socks off, I convince myself that I will pick up the socks later. Nope, I never leave those socks for you to pick up; I leave them for me.

Do You Smell Your Wife Correctly?

The thing is, we are quarantining, and the stress level is even higher. From a husband’s point of view, I am trapped in the house with an expert of all things. I mean, she knows everything, and I know nothing, but I love her so much.

Her beautiful lips, hair, and eyes, even the very fragrance of my wife is unmatched. It is intoxicating, and as I lean in to get a deeper whiff of her beautiful smell, she whispers in my ear, “You are smelling me all wrong.”  Huh?!!!  

Wife:  No, seriously, you want to step away and smell the air without my scent. You know, clear your passageways then you want to come in and get a whiff of my incredible scent so that you can get a full appreciation of me because I agree with you, I smell that good.

While we’re at it, let me tell you about a few other things.

Can you put the bowls in the right place in the dishwasher?

Why do you think that this glass goes in this cupboard? This is a special glass that goes into the special cupboard?

We don’t know how long we are going to be quarantining, why are you eating the chips? You know we’ve got to make those chips last.

You came from outside; strip down naked and burn those clothes. You’re not giving me that Rona.

Stop touching your face!

2 seconds later…

Wife: You want to watch something with me? When can we watch Billions, Ozarks, or 911?

Me:  How about we watch Power?

Wife:  I didn’t give that as a choice.

Creating Mental Boundaries

Ahh yes, mental divorce. Again, I know it sounds bad. I am not talking about plotting to leave your wife when this is all over. Although, I know some of you are considering it. Maybe, just maybe, this is an opportunity for you to set boundaries.

If you are arguing with your wife about any of the topics above, then you are under the misguided impression that you can convince her of anything.

Don’t act like she’s able to convince you of anything; remember, you play tango with your feet and leave your damn socks by the door. You are just as bad.

Maybe you should start creating mental boundaries. For instance, let’s replay the TV conversation.

Wife: You want to watch something with me? When can we watch Billions, Ozarks, or 911?
Me:  How about we watch Power?
Wife:  I didn’t give that as a choice.
Me:  Cool, I will put my headphones on and watch Power on my phone.

Maybe she doesn’t want you to watch Power without her. Cool, I will watch something you don’t want to watch and be in my own space.

You’re mentally saying: BECAUSE I AM A MAN!

That’s funny because every woman literally just laughed out loud about that. Actually, because you are an individual person with individual thoughts and you deserve to do what you want to do as long as it doesn’t hurt the overall team, i.e., the family.

So when I say get a mental divorce, I just mean, you sometimes have to mentally check out and go to a safe place in your head, so you don’t lose your shit. You have to divorce yourself from the situation. The kids are yelling and it seems like at least one of them is crying at any given time. One kid needs this, the other kid needs that, and your wife is calmly explaining to you how you don’t clear the table correctly.

Wife:  I don’t understand why you just don’t stack the plates and put the silverware on top. That way, you only make one trip instead of the several trips you are making.

My thoughts:  Why do I care if I take several trips? I am stuck in the house with you guys with nowhere to go!!!!!!!!

I’ll Do It My Way

I want to do things my way sometimes. So, I prefer to scream out, “ENOUGH! McKayla, stop crying, you are OK.”

“McKenna, I will help you with your schoolwork in a second.”

I like to look at my wife as if to tell her to keep talking about clearing the table off. Then pick up a fork and put it in the dishwasher.

I’m not doing it to be a butthole, although it may seem that way. I do it so that I can do things my way, but you’re right honey, I should pick up my socks and put them in the hamper. I do need to do better with that.

By the way, after this, I’m going for a run. I need a little space. I need to do that for my mental health. I’m not asking for permission; I’m just letting you know.

Now, do you need to check out for a bit?

Because I’m a butthole, and I recognize that, but I’m a butthole who has your back.

The more you set boundaries, the better. The more comfortable you get with letting your spouse be who they are, the more you get to be you, the easier it gets to have discussions. Maybe it will be easier for you to have a discussion with your wife about money, or set boundaries with your finances. Perhaps you need to hire an excellent mediator to help you get on the same page.

I know, a financial advisor who has superb taste in wine.

Leave a comment below if I am keeping it real.

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