I Hate Elfie: And Why You Should Too

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I hate Elfie: And Why You Should Too

Sorry, not sorry, I hate him!

Don’t hate me for hating him.

I know you’re raising a family and you want your kids to “keep their innocence.”
Be honest with yourself though, do you love that thing?
I hate everything he represents. He’s creepy and too much work.

However, I must admit, whoever came up with it, is a freaking genius. If I was the inventor, I would be laughing all the way to the bank.

Little Armani

I think I’m going to invent a miniature me for your finances—kind of like Elfie. I want you to put me on your mantel to remind you of all the crap you shouldn’t buy. Little Armani, the doll version of me, could actually choke Elfie.

I don’t mind being a naughty little doll. Need someone to tell your kids Santa is not coming? Let Little Armani tell em! Want to tell your husband that he is being stupid with money? Let Little Armani tell em! Need someone to tell your wife that those plates that are under the other plates are called chargers? Yeah, let Armani tell em!

You need something to remind you that you shouldn’t be spending money? Get yourself a Little Armani. You need someone to kick Elfie out of your house? You can bring in Little Armani. Want to know why? Because I hate Elfie!

Who’s the good guy?

Little Armani is actually the good guy, and Elfie is the bad guy. Think about it—Elfie wants to report back to Santa about your children being naughty or nice. That’s just creepy. Let’s be real; whether my children are naughty or nice, Santa don’t bring anything!

I have to go out and buy stuff for my children that they don’t even need—we all know they’ll be adding that stuff to the toy cemetery of Christmas past on the floor of their room. The only magical thing about this whole experience is that when I finally get my kids to clean their rooms, the toys magically reappear on their floors—dark magic at that.

Little Armani will make your life easier!

Elfie has the nerve to require work! After a long day of making money and strides toward financial freedom, I lay my weary body in bed next to my beautiful wife. My wife slowly leans over to me and says, “Did you put Elfie out?” Awe man. I have to go back downstairs to get Elfie just to move him somewhere else. All of this requires thought because Elfie can’t be in the same spot as the night before.

I hate Elfie, but Little Armani—I love. He won’t need to be moved around. Little Armani will just sit on your mantle; he can do his work in the same spot.

“The kids ain’t getting no gifts, and you don’t have to move me,” he’ll say. Little Armani cares about you. He doesn’t want you to stress. “I don’t want you to go buy anything,” he’ll say. If you feel like you have to spend, spend reasonably and take a designated driver—i.e., your cheap friend who doesn’t like to shop.”

Elfie doesn’t want you out on Black Friday. He wants you cozy in your warm home, getting your quality snuggle time, and because Little Armani is so low maintenance, he is with your family year-round. He can remind your kids to do their homework, “You want to make money one day, don’t you? Did you know the first step to financial freedom is moving out of my house? You need good grades for that.”

Little Armani can remind your kids to do their chores. “Oh, you don’t like manual labor, too bad”—Little Armani don’t care.

He actually does care, though; He wants what’s best for your kids.

What the hell does Elfie do? He just stares at everyone, looking all freaky-like, making promises that he never keeps.

How dad’s get bamboozled…

I swear I have no idea where this Elf on the Shelf thing came from.

All I know is I got married and started having children; when my daughter turned four, my wife said, “here’s Elf on the Shelf.”

I looked at my wife; I was baffled. “What is this?”

“This is Elf on the Shelf,” she chuckled, “and you have to hide him every night. It’ll be fun for McKenna; she’ll really enjoy it.”

That is how they get us dads, and at first, you are McLoving it. The look of excitement on your child’s face for the first 4 days is everything.

Then the exhaustion comes. There is nothing like being reminded that you have no imagination; trying to hide this thing in different spots every night is too much. Go look on Instagram and feel even more shame when you see all the other parents and their original ideas.

• Elfie at gunpoint
• Elfie constructing a Lego Death Star
• One time I saw Elfie pooping with a little toilet paper hanging off his foot.

Me—Elf on the Shelf is on the couch. That crazy Elfie—watching TV all night.

Down with Elf on the Shelf!

I said it—I don’t like Elf on the Shelf.

I didn’t land on the elf; the elf landed on me.

The only thing it represents is creepiness that sucks away my time, energy, and money!

Once again, this is why you need to invest in Little Armani—the peoples’ champion. He is the one that will knock Santa off his sleigh and help you start saving money. He’ll protect you from spending on stupid things that will only make your family happy for a couple of weeks.

When you think about it, Santa is actually the naughty one who has convinced your family that it is OK to set your finances back a bit for CHRISTMAS. I mean, think about it, Santa isn’t concerned about your family goals. He sent Elfie so that you’re not focusing on what’s really important—raising children and quality time with your family.

He’s a fraud!

Dear Dads, 

You want your family to be happy, don’t you—buy more crap!

After all, it’s the holidays, and here, take my little Elf on the Shelf to remind you that you’re going to have to spend more money this year. After all, Elfie was sitting right next to your kids when they were watching the commercial about Barbie’s Penthouse. We saw that your daughters wanted it, so you’ll have to buy it for them. 

You want to be a good dad, riiiiiight?! 

Signed,
Naughty Old St. Nick

God, I hate Elfie!

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