Uncle Sam, I Want My Money

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I can confidently say to you, that the US government owes me money.

I can also say that the US government owes YOU, the person reading this….Nothing.

America, I have been wronged.

Wronged so much that the government owes me every cent.  I need every cent just as long as it benefits me and not you.  Ok, it can benefit you a little bit…..Just don’t raise my taxes and we’re good.  Furthermore, don’t raise taxes on the people who give me a job either.

Only raise taxes on those who industries don’t affect my industry so that I can cheer them on for taking the much-needed sacrifice.  Nothing embodies these statements more than social security.

I love social security.

There are so many options for the government to pay me back the money that they owe me.  I have been paying into this sucker for years, and now it is time to pay the piper, Uncle Sam or what I like to call him, Uncle ‘Suga’.  While you’re at it, Uncle Suga, sprinkle a little Medicare on that too.

The topic of social security is a very funny topic to me.  Everyone always wants to get their money back from social security, and we don’t start worrying about this until around the age of 55.

The discussion usually goes something like this:

You: Armond, when should we take social security

Me:  When your 70 years old

You: want me to wait that long.

Me:  Yes

You: Why?

Me:  Because if you delay taking social security to age 70, the amount will go up 8% per year.  I don’t get to use the word guarantee ever, but that is a guaranteed 8% return.  You have enough investments, you should pull money out of your investments to supplement the difference until your 70 years old.

But I may not get my money!

This is always a weird conversation.  First, we will talk about some celebrity and their early demise.  Carrie Fischer at the age of 60 is a good place to start or Alan Thicke at the age of 69.  That dude got screwed.  I can just imagine God putting his hand on Alan Thicke’s shoulder and saying “Man, you were so close.”

My typical response is, “do you think you are going to be pouting in heaven about this?”

What will you be doing in heaven?

Think of it this way. I died and am now in heaven.  Tupac and Elvis Presley are up here performing together while Jesus is shooting confetti from his Jesus gun.  Everything is so clean and I feel no pain.  I get to see my parents after all these years and I finally understand the meaning of life.  Well, then what’s the problem?  Do you think I’ll be saying to myself, “Uncle Suga, that rat bastard, still owes me money.”

HE STILL OWES ME MONEY!

I know this might sound a bit crazy but what if, and this is a big if, instead of being Carrie Fischer and Alan Thicke, you were Hugh Hefner or Betty White………Assuming everyone goes to heaven.  What if you lived a really long life?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have more money when you in your 80’s and 90’s?  I am not 80 or 90 years old currently, but I am assuming that it would suck to be broke at that age. (Take a look at the bar graphs in the article When Should You Take Your Social Security that show the return based on the older you are and the longer you wait.)

I would like to position myself in a way so that at the age of 80 and 90 I am worried less about money and have some guaranteed income coming in. This is me taking all of the emotion out this.  Literally, I could die tomorrow, and Uncle Suga would owe me money.  Nobody ever seems to worry about that.

All of a sudden you’re getting close to retirement and something in your mind starts to wonder whether or not you’ll be getting all of your social security back.

Will you be depressed at the Richard Pryor Comedy show or will you see past 85 and collect what’s due and more?  Never mind the fact that you will be draining social security for your fellow man.

You will be a winner!

People are always worried that they might die tomorrow.  And yes, that may be me too.  However, chances are, you are going to live to be very old.  So old in fact, that you will be looking at pictures of your younger self wondering what happened to the time.

Your grandchildren will walk past you without a care in a world as if getting old will never happen to them. As you try to show pictures of you as your younger self, your grandchildren still will not connect the dots that you didn’t always look so old and wrinkly.

They are not going to have that epiphany.

Wait…..Wait……You mean, you used to me my age? My Age? Where you still could run? Hmmmmmmmm, sure grandpa.  And the tooth fairy is real

I know me telling you not to worry about dying tomorrow is not going to make you stop worrying about dying tomorrow. I’m not saying you shouldn’t think about your future – in fact, my article Mind Positive, Money Positive is all about how you should be constantly looking at the future – However, when it comes to making the social security decision, I hope you worry more about living a long time.